The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
