if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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