so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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