Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
