He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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