i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
