No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
