I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Randomize
