I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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