God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
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