Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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