Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.