I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Randomize
