My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
