dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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