if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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