A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
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He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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