Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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