Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
My life is pants optional.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
