Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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