Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
