I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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