What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
