His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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