Yo dont text me then not text me
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
