I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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