oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
