My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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