And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
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