I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
