the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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