I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
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My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
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I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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