Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Found your dick twin last night
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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