Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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