Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
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