Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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