My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
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