i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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