so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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