I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
