Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
