I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
