There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
