I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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