if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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