walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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