Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
