Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
