He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
