i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
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