literally had 100 drinks last night.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
