If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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