Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
